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Thursday, December 17, 2015

A Christmas Letter From the Family

Merry Christmas to the Forked Branch of the Family Tree,

As we speak, the toilet runneth over, so forgive me if I’m a bit hasty with my Christmas wishes. Bill and Bo-the-Labrador are doing their best to take care of the excess water, but Bo still gets the wrench and the screwdriver confused, so the going is rough. I’m considering demanding a refund for the training money I wasted. Who needs “Sit” and “Stay” when everybody knows “Right Tighty, Lefty Loosey” is the way to go? Pet Smart, my nuts and bolts.

This year has been an inspiring and adventurous one for our family as I have been diagnosed with the life-threatening condition, Snoring.  To arrive at this diagnosis, I was festooned with electrodes and starred in a video demonstration of my sleep habits, aptly named “Night Noises.” This adventure was repeated a second time much to the amusement of my insurance company who promptly decided I was a health risk and rushed an invoice to my mailbox with the speed of Kardashian porn hitting Twitter. At night I now sport an appealing breathing apparatus that attaches to my face like a tick and huffs air up my nose like the Big Bad Wolf on House number 3. Also, sometimes the mask slips, resulting in a noise that sounds much like a family reunion after the beans have been served.

Bill, who only has to deal with diabetes, high blood pressure, and ingrown toenails fails to see the glamour of the whole thing. *Sigh* People who don’t have to suffer just don’t understand the trials that the chronically ill must face.

Also this year, we’ve seen the rise and fall of the family garden. Mostly it was the fall, since the only thing that rose were weeds and grubworms, but we have hopes that the new fertilizer that Bill’s been collecting will do the trick. I have confidence that he’s on the right track, although I read on the Internet that fertilizer from cows works best, and even though the Labradors are certainly large and do on occasion eat grass, composting their output just because you don’t want to walk to the backyard trashcan is not an optimum solution.

This is the year of the helmet for our son who has taken up arc welding. You might want to tuck a spare pair of Ray Bans in your purse when you drop by for the annual Christmas gift card and casserole exchange. Also, don’t be surprised if you can’t open the refrigerator door or put the seat down in the bathroom.

Living next to the Crazy Cat Lady finally paid off and we were fortunate to end up with another free cuddly ball of fur, size tiny. Although we can’t believe our good luck with pet adoption, our hope for the New Year is a similar run on the Powerball drawings, as we’ve had to take out a second mortgage and Bill is considering an exciting new career as a Wal-Mart greeter in order to meet veterinary expenses.

We considered putting in a pool this year, but every time we mentioned digging a large hole in the yard, the kids began to drool and request notarized copies of our life insurance policies.  Upon further reflection, a new dishwasher sounded much more practical.
Best wishes to your family from ours. If you have exciting news about a partnership at the law office or come into a substantial windfall, be sure to update our relationship status on FaceBook. We all need a little piece at Christmas.

Wishing you the best in the coming days and hoping Aunt Ethel doesn’t drop her wig in the offering plate at church this year.

Signed, Out on a Limb of the Family Tree

Friday, December 11, 2015


Sometimes you have to look backwards to see the light in front you. Come visit me at Huffington Post and share the Peace & Joy of the season.