(I’m going from memory here. This is History, not Live at Five.)
1. Because you’re not famous, you don’t have a “bump.” You have a baby.
2. You finally have cleavage. And it’s not in the back!
3. You get to decorate the nursery – but nobody will let you lift, paint, or use harsh cleaners. Sweet. Interior design without the gruntwork. It's like ordering dinner from the Martha Stewart cookbook and instructing Martha to be gentle with the egg whites.
4. You cry over sentimental things like Budweiser commercials. Or because they’ve run out of Choco Tacos at the corner store.
5. The gas station before your exit has the bathroom key ready for you every morning at 7:30. And they remove the chain and tire iron it was originally attached to and replace them with a ribbon and a cookie.
6. Cravings – Like who doesn’t cross four lanes of rush hour traffic to peel into the Quick Stop for a Slim Jim?
7. Stressful things like, say, naps make you want to take a nap.
8. Getting so accustomed to giving urine samples, you feel the urge to empty your bladder every time you go down the Dixie Cup aisle at the grocery store. Sometimes you feel the urge after it’s too late.
9. Lying on your back for nine months like fried bologna on an open-face sandwich.
10. Your belly button pops out like the timer on a Butterball turkey when the baby’s done.