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Sunday, December 28, 2008

Naughty is Nice

I’ve found a flaw in this whole Santa thing. Not Santa himself, mind you. He’s all right, living it up at the top of the world, drinking hot chocolate and refereeing reindeer games. It’s the whole being good theory. Quite by accident I found an inconsistency. Kind of like the state of Illinois found in the Governor's office recently, but on a much grander scale. I didn’t want to say anything until I performed conclusive scientific testing in an environment where the integrity of my research could not be skewed by scientists or other cult members, but after several years of receiving actual gifts from Santa, I could hold my silence no longer. See conclusive test results below:

Year One (2006)

I forgot to pay the pastor’s water bill resulting in an untimely discontinuance of water service at the parsonage (although flushing privileges did resume shortly thereafter), I wore dirty socks several days in a row, and I faked a serious bout of semi-consciousness so that Bill would bring Lo Mein for supper.

I should have been sentenced to at least six months of intensive labor as Class Mom in Charge of Cupcakes, but I evaded charges and never even preheated the oven. This course of events could be due to the fact that the teacher was previously acquainted with my cupcake making skills and had a preparedness plan already in place, but for Christmas I received a generous amount of musical CD’s, clothes, and assorted goodies. This incident smacks of loopholes in Santa’s operating procceses.

Year Two (2007)

I bought tickets to the circus with the grocery money, forced my son, “Undeclared Major” to take a job, and ate all the candy that well-wishers brought for the office staff to share. Santa rewarded this display with a foot spa and an attendant elf to refill the water when it got chilled. (Bill Dear still refuses to wear the green elf-support tights, but you can’t beat him as a water bearer. I’m convinced he was born under the wrong sign.) Looks like Santa has a bug in his software, or he’s slipping. What is the mandatory retirement age at the North Pole?

Year 3 (2008)

It was a banner year for naughty at my house. I sideswiped hubby’s car and laid the blame on his lack of parking skills, I tried to pass fried liver off as sirloin on at least one occasion, and I took in another stray dog, thereby breaking the “one more animal in this house and we have to give up a child” dictate.

Santa outdid himself. Such piles of chocolates and treasures surrounded me on Christmas morning, I thought the Jolly Old Man had gone completely off his sleigh bells. He even brought me new pajamas dotted all over with clever pictures of smiling puppies with pink collars. Clearly something has to be done.

I suggest we give Santa a raise.


Anonymous said...

I'm a new visitor who simply has to cheer at least softly. I wish I could write like that (and look like that!) So I'll be following you and your not-so-skewed take on life.
It's been a long time since I was doing what you're doing, but once you've been there and done that, the resonance remains. Thanks for the memories, to quote a cliche.

Amy Mullis said...

To my new best friend, Anonymous (I believe I've heard of you; your name sounds familiar for some reason)--Thank you for starting my New Year off with a bang--I usually just go with the whimper and while it works for me, it's not much for attracting an admiring crowd. The looks I attribute to Bill Dear and his magic camera. I'm so glad you stumbled through the looking glass and into my world. And even gladder you've decided to stay!

the Bag Lady said...

Amy, I do believe you've hit upon something here! On more than one occasion this past year, I've shirked my responsibilities in order to hang out in blogland, and Santa treated me in the same manner as he has for many years now! On the other hand, one does have to wonder just what we would have received if we'd been GOOD!!!???? (It's probably just as well to not know - my heart probably wouldn't be able to take the excitement!)

Great post, as always. Merry Christmas, sister-from-another-mother!

Amy Mullis said...

Baggie--I've long suspected we were two of a kind, separated before birth while we still sported little angel wings in heaven. (Hopefully Santa doesn't know that we've gone on to raise a little of the Other Place here on earth.)

colbymarshall said...

Yep, I did the unthinkable and threatened Santa this year, and yet he was still good to me. My conclusion is that Santa is actually into S&M.

Anonymous said...

ladies, ladies, you forget Santa knows the men we take care of often leave us, 'um feeble minded. So he overlooks a few of our, let's call them mistakes, and rewards us for continuing to help take care of the men in our presence. I suspect Mrs. Claus has some say in our over-abundance of goodies.


Amy Mullis said...

Hmmm, Colby I was going to say it sounds like you're right on about Santa, but Ritinrider reminded me about Mrs. Claus, our patron saint. How could I have forgotten about the Power behind the Sleigh?