We Don't Need No Stinkin' Pirates!

When Barack Obama campaigned so hard against Hillary Clinton for the prize of the presidency, he probably figured that anything that came afterwards would be like taking candy from a Republican. “What could happen?” Barack probably said to Michelle, chuckling good naturedly as they worked side by side tilling the fertile soil of the First Garden. “An attack by pirates?”

Um, yeah.

It was exciting to hear this week’s news story about pirates capturing a ship flying the American flag, but even more interesting to read the spirited account of the Americans uncapturing the vessel. At this point in time, I am fully confident that the American government will launch a failed top-secret mission to secure the release of the ship’s captain who gave himself up as a hostage to save the crew. At that point, Navy Seals will go in and just tear up those pirates.

For future reference, however, here are some handy hints to keep in mind to prevent or thwart a pirate attack:

Create and install a GPS disarmament system, perhaps a dedicated seagull who has been trained to think the device is a stray hot dog bun or cheeseburger wrapper that is a part of his natural diet.

Maintain a fleet of small terriers who will rush the pirates, yapping voraciously and relieving themselves on deck, creating a series of water hazards.

Play really loud music on board to jam the pirates’ electronic equipment and eardrums with harsh signals. Music by Madonna. Or the Jonas brothers. Or Britney Spears. In case of Britney Spears, you could also use video.

Man all vessels with gentlemen of the plaid shirt with cut out sleeves variety from the southern United States. Tell the gentlemen that pirates hate Nascar. And beer. And their mamas.

Train ship captains in the art of negotiation as taught by the World Wrestling Federation. They can offer a stimulus package in return for the safety of the crew and vessel. Get off our ship and we won’t suplex or duplex your sorry butts.

Meanwhile, the president is considering every angle as the eyes of the world watch for his next move. The pirates, who appear to have a fondess for granting interviews to international media even though they are not agented, nor in possession of a good stylist or makeup man, are gathering forces. Hopefully Mr. Obama will study the situation carefully and realize there is only one thing he can do.

It’s time to turn on the Bat Signal.