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Saturday, June 20, 2009

Oprah Envy

I don’t hate Oprah because she’s worth more money than major studios rake in by making movies about attractive, charmingly incompetent pirates. I don’t even hate her because she has a house big enough that if she weren’t speaking to her husband, supposing she’d found a nice model for a good price on Ro-Day-O Drive, he wouldn’t know for six months. Or because she can speed dial any number of people who can prevent her from ever having a bad hair day.

I hate her because she can afford to gain weight.

There are three sections in my closet. To the right are clothes that I have worn within recent history—which includes the eras that boasted Edith and Archie Bunker, Sonny and Cher, and the Beatles. With enough time and dedication to the study of fat content on spaghetti sauce labels and ice cream wrappers, I might wear these clothes again. I might also don a tricorn hat and sail with Johnny Depp on his next voyage, but that's beside the point.

The middle section of the closet is devoted to clothes I can wear right now. This section contains a pair of faded blue jeans, the black top my niece gave me with a buckle that’s guaranteed to draw the eyesight of innocent bystanders away from unsightly ripples in the terrain, and six pairs of stretchy pants.

The section to the left holds selections for days of bloat, hormone fluctuation, and random binges of drinking whole milk. My fat clothes.

My budget allows me these three small sections, although there are days when the power bill, car payment, and rent deadline band together like wayward musketeers to encourage me to sell the buckle shirt on eBay. I dream of a day when there’s enough money left after the cable bundle that I feel comfortable throwing out the bra with the broken wire.

I imagine Oprah’s closets. She probably has whole rooms devoted to different sizes of clothing. If she has an off day and, say, indulges in salad dressing or puts a dab of sour cream on her potato, she goes to the blue closet and pulls out a clever chiffon that skims the hips, conceals arm pendulums, and erases under eye circles.

Last week I went for a walk on the wild side, the closest thing I have to a workout plan, and plunged a chip deep into the salsa at the Mexican restaurant. Without a single thought for future wardrobe planning, I ate the whole thing without sharing a crumb with anyone else, including my lap. Today my jeans wouldn’t zip, my blouse wouldn’t button, and my Victorias threatened to spill their secret.

My life will never be like Oprah’s. Maybe I’ll try for Jerry Springer’s. If my clothes have a story to tell, let them tell it to somebody who will make the most of it.


Nancy said...

I hate her just cuz she's this untouchable icon and practices therapy without a license.

BUT I really hate her for your reason, too. That and she can afford someone to airbrush her pix.

spamwarrior said...

Duh. Oprah DOES have whole rooms devoted to clothing. Why do you think she has such a big house?

Your blog post made me laugh! I don't like Oprah, either, and for various reasons *feels like ranting* =P She's so darn rich... yet she tried to make people feel that they can identify with her and vice versa. And she succeeds.

nipsy said...

I hate Oprah because as she has all those things you mentioned, she takes them for granted..just like many other "stars" do. I wish for just one month where I didn't have to worry about money or telling my kids no.

Damn those stars...

The Mother said...

I hate Oprah because she was stupid enough to give rabid anti-vaccine spewing Jenny McCarthy a show.

So she can give us a plague.

Anonymous said...

Oprah lifts weights. She lifts those filled-to-the-brim money bags every day.

But I still wouldn't want to be her. Even if she can gain weight and it doesn't matter to her wallet.

Good post!

(aka "stormie" at AW)

Dawn said...

LOL Amy -- I can sooo sympathize, having been through the whole maternity thing! I desperately WANT to lose more weight, but I can't afford to outgrow (Or would that be in-grow??) my "in-between" clothes right now. Hmm... having said that... I hope you don't hate me right now, too.

Nancy, Oprah could BUY a license if she wanted to, I'm sure. :) Doesn't make it right, but it's true.

ReformingGeek said...

Oprah scares me because people listen to her like she really knows something. People copy her.

Um, no. She's just a celebrity folks.

At least salsa has some nutritional value. Be yourself and don't worry about the rest!

Amy Mullis said...

So we're agreed. Oprah and her nasty money has to sit alone in the lunchroom and we'll all sit together and talk about her.

Thanks for stopping by!

plaidearthworm said...

I am SO buying you a thong for Christmas, just so you can start a fourth section in your closet. ;)

Amy Mullis said...

Ummm, Thanks Plaid. I definitely need a "Something to have on hand in case Posh Spice drops by and needs to borrow clothes" section.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

"Victoria threatened to spill her secret..." Beautiful.

And judging by her store, Victoria HAS no secrets.

stageoflife said...


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Amy Mullis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy Mullis said...

Hi Chris! Victoria's a tricky one. You never know what she'll let slide next.

Welcome, Eric, and thanks for stopping by. I'm impressed by your site and your vision for the future. I've contacted you by the e-mail address on your blog. Feel free to drop in anytime and share a laugh or two.

colbymarshall said...

Amen to that! I am so in that place where I haven't bought "new" clothes for so long that I'd kill to get to go on a tiny shopping spree to have clothes that actually fit/weren't faded to the point that a red shirt now looks the palest pink ;0)

the Bag Lady said...

Ooooohhh - Oprah-bashing! You are one brave little chickadee, Amy! Oprah has really long arms to go with all that money! She might reach out and smack you.

Great post.... my closet is divided into those same sections. What's with that?

TurkeyLurkey said...

You are such a great writer! This was a lot of fun to read. I have just recently stretched past my wardrobe. I'm thinking about leaving my jeans and going for elastic waste bands. :)

TurkeyLurkey said...

Oops.... waist bands.

spamwarrior said...

Oh, and that vaccine frenzy. And the hormone therapy frenzy. And all that Law of Attraction thing. And the fact that one of her columnists just published a column in O about how to "think yourself thin." All a bunch of hocus pocus.