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Saturday, September 19, 2009

Sugar Tit or Bust

Today in my inbox the Smithsonian, a magazine of knowledgeable and intellectual pursuits, offered me a once in a lifetime opportunity to win a Kentucky Cultural Getaway.

I might be speaking out of turn, but to me a Kentucky Cultural Getaway is about the same as taking a luxury tour down to the 7-11 store in Sugar Tit, which isn’t too far from here but a good ways from Punkintown and has various cultural sights of its own including a brand spanking new left turn lane and a harvested hay field. Once a buffalo got loose and strolled down the highway past the red light there, but that’s extracurricular stuff that you can’t count on as a regular enough occurrence to list in a travel brochure. You don’t want to disappoint tourists that show up looking for livestock during a non-migratory period.

I realize I might be biased about cultural events. I come from South Carolina, the land where classical music means anything you can dance the shag to. Relationships here aren’t considered consummated until the couple has shagged together in public on at least one occasion with a minimum of two sober witnesses, neither of which are related to either party by blood or prison record. It’s not always as easy as it sounds.

Culturally speaking, this is an area where the orchestra string section is a man named Skeeter who wears unbuttoned overalls, a Charlie Daniels Band T-Shirt, and a Nascar cap, and who will die with less teeth than he was born with, having lost several a la carte sets climbing into tree stands on pre-dawn hunting expeditions or on across the county line liquor excursions. Skeeter is perched on a ladderback chair leaned back on two legs in the corner of the local hardware store, playing the banjo like Michelangelo paints ceilings.

Although we have our own Steeple Chase race right up the road and offer advanced degrees in tailgating at the local community college, I don’t often get a chance to visit parts of the country where your place in society is determined by the size hat you wear to a horse race, so I checked out the information on this Kentucky Cultural Extravaganza. And since I never turn down a chance to improve my quality of life, I’m willing to take one for the team and check out the Jim Beam factory.

However I have to draw the line at the expedition to the National Quilt Museum that is included in the package. That handmade stuff can get pricey and I don’t want to have to auction off my collection of glow-in-the-dark velvet Elvis paintings on eBay to raise money for this trip.

16 comments:

ralfast said...

Seriously, I can't drink any sodas or milk while reading your post, it will be the death of my screen.

:D

Amy Mullis said...

Seriously, you made my day. I live to ruin your electronics.

the Bag Lady said...

Yup, I learned that the hard way! And aspirating my coffee is not my favourite way of starting the day!!

Great post, as always, Amy!

Amy Mullis said...

But Baggie, it's my favorite way to start your day!

ralfast said...

Amy...u iz ebils. In a goods way, but still teh ebils!

:D

Robin said...

Thanks for the heads up. I'm gonna ride down to Sugar Tit this afternoon to see the new left turn lane before that purdy black assyfault turns gray.

Amy Mullis said...

It's worth the drive, Robin, although they don't offer much in the way of souvenirs other than memories that will last a lifetime. You're probably one of the few people that know how to get there!

Angie Muresan said...

Suddenly upon reading your post my mood has improved. Thank you. Now I better go read some more.

BDGJM said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. I am now using Google maps to find the various towns you cited.
P Shane McAfee
http://bdgjm.blogspot.com

Amy Mullis said...

I'm on dialup, but I'd love to see how Sugar Tit looks on Google Earth. They tore down the abandoned store, so there's not much scenery. Keep in mind that Punkintown's official name is Pumpkintown. We just don't say it that way.

BDGJM said...

I found Punkintown. When I looked for the other town, Google threatened to wash my mouth out with soap.

Shane

http://bdgjm.blogspot.com

gypsyscarlett said...

Count me in as another who puts down her coffee mug before reading your posts.

One must. Really.

Nancy said...

Priceless!

Living in a rural area of OH, I can surely relate.

Anonymous said...

Nor would you want to have to dip into your Wedgewood money either to fund this trip! xxoo PIC

Amy Mullis said...

CM-my best Partner in Crime in all the world. It's good to see you!

I'm trying to decide whether to post visual evidence of the crossroads known as Sugar Tit. There may still be some nonbelievers out there.

Queen Jaw Jaw said...

You should visit our town of Lickskillet, or Slapout. Then there is the town of Pig Eye.

We used to have 3 talking pigs there until that unfortunate accident. Seems one of them decided to tell ALL regarding the mayor and the waistress down at the Doo Drop...couldn't shut that pig up.

Oh well, we still have two! Come on down.