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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Have Gun Will Ravel

I make up for my lack of gardening skills with an amazing ability to annihilate craft projects. You would think the Author of the Universe in his unbounded wisdom would have given me the glue gun talents of a sharpshooter. This is not the case.

One sister tried to teach me to crochet. She said she never saw anybody crochet backwards.

My other sister tried to help me make a banner for Son One’s soccer team. I sewed the thing to the leg of my pants. Gold craft felt stitched into the inseam of extra-large stretchy pants in a series of festive darts and puckers is not a desirable fashion statement.

When I was in high school, my mother took pity on me (GOOD LORD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!) and finished my home economics project. Who would have thought zippers would be so hard to install? I had more trouble than a presidential candidate trying to get the thing to stay closed.

My niece has a businesses creating hand-painted jewelry that people pay actual money for. I painted the South Carolina crescent and palmetto tree on a pendant. It looked like a banana bush.

My relatives began to meet secretly to have crafting parties. I happened to visit one Friday evening, and at my knock heard muffled voices and the sound of heavy furniture being shoved in front of the door.


The blinds shifted slightly. Whispering followed.

“I know you’re in there!”

The door opened a crack. “We can’t come out. We’re quarantined.”

“I’m so sorry. Can I get you anything?”

“Could you leave a pizza by the door?”

“What sort of disease do you have that you’re quarantined but want pizza?”

Silence. Then, “Acrophobia?”

“You’re in quarantine because you’re afraid of heights?”

“Leave the pizza down low.”

“You people are making crafts in there, aren’t you? Let me in or I’m coming back armed with tacky glue and pinking shears!”

Furtive dialing.

“And no calling 9-1-1!”

I went around to the back door, entered through the kitchen and came up behind a group of my closest friends and relatives wielding cotton balls and tiny paintbrushes like they were heavy artillery.

“Can I at least water your plants?”

A mad scramble ensued leading to a tangle of arms, legs, and cotton balls. It looked like an Easter Bunny gangland rumble. A glitter haze filled the air and a paintbrush stuck through my sister's pony tail like a hairpin.

The good news is that the plants are going to be fine. But the crafting group cemented themselves into a freeform sculpture. They’ll be okay once we find an antidote for Gorilla Glue.

Meanwhile I’ve taken up scrapbooking. Has anybody got a nail gun I can borrow?


Carole said...

ROFL! You have done it again! Woman, you are a breath of fresh air in my stagnant house. The ability to write humor, and the ability to write it well, is a gift. Who needs to be able to use a glue gun without having to call for emergency backup when they can make people laugh?

Kirsten Lesko said...

"She said she never saw anybody crochet backwards."

LOL! This whole post is hilarious. I'm sensing a trend here...

kendell said...

I love you Auntie Amy! Thanks for including me in your blog post! Can't wait for the next craft night...I've got glitter!!!

Amy Mullis said...

Thanks ladies! You are now my posse. On spring break let's hit Hobby Lobby and go wild. I've got coupons!

Let the record show that Kendell allows me to visit her home and use actual paint. She keeps a craft box for me. . .vacuum sealed with a time lock.

writinflower01 said...


I just wanted to let you know that I read your blog, and that I truly enjoy your posts! I usually make the unwise decision to read during class, and it's so hard to keep a straight face in front of the professor! Thanks for always making my day start out funny!

Shelly Holder

Amy Mullis said...


Wonderful to have you here! Glad I can make your day, ESPECIALLY if you're starting the day in class. Let me know if I need to send the teacher a note--but not if it's math. I'm no good in math.:)

plaidearthworm said...

Awesome! One of your best! And it speaks to me, since I too sewed a project to myself. The last picture frame I tried to make looked like Pinocchio sneezed into a wood chipper.

Amy Mullis said...

I knew it! You ARE my real family!

Skyraven said...

Amy - you've done it. Made me belly laugh in front of the computer. And with a beer in me no less. I loved this post and hope one day that my Sarah Palin impression will do the same to you. lol Thanks for the wonderful laugh!