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Click any letter for a look at my prize-winning essay from the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. You don't even have to buy a vowel.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Win the Cap'n's Booty!

Arrrgh! This be The Cap'n talkin'!

In honor o' International Talk Like A Pirate Day, I decided to conduct me own little raid on the Weddin' o' th' Sentry, at some fancy hoity-toity lubber tavern callin' itself the Ritz Carlton. (I gots t' admit, I don't see what the big deal is, jus' cause they named it fer a cracker.) I was lookin' fer to catch the lovely wench AmyDoodle, cause she makes me laugh, and even a pirate cap'n needs t' laugh ever now and agin.

But when I got to the crumby place, I heard that the wench had absconded and was nowheres t' be found! I was a right mite miffed, lemme tell yez! I searched and I searched, and all I found was... her shoes. The purtiest little pair ‘o satin slippers you ever did see.


Well, me and th' lads (Bo and Sam, the first Labradors) was peerin' at th' sitchy-ashun, and we allowed as how the day might still be won. All we had t' do was figger out a way t' use th' shoes t' my own advantage.

But what can a pirate do with a pair o' size 8M Mootsies Tootsies? They don't fit a big manly pirate cap'n like meself....


They don't make much of a hat....


And, puttin' the lie t' Get Smart, yer can't use it like a tellyphone....

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Me first Mate Bo can't be induced to wear 'em....


And the Beard Enhancement Technology jus' ain't ready yet.


Finally, I tried to eat one. But satin jus' makes me mouth dry....


But wait. A plan began t' be formin' in me head. A devious, cunnin' plan!
I'll give 'em away! Tha's right! We'll lure this Amy Doodle wench by
offerin' up 'er very own shoes -- a $50.00, er, $34.99,er, $29.98 value -- to a
lucky winner whose name will be drawn from my cap'n's hat by a random
lubber we'll pick up off th' beach.

So 'ere's yer chance! Jus' post a comment t' this here missive, or email
the wench herself a' ashley1949@gmail.com, fer a chance to get the
cap'n's booty!*


Note: Souvenir Ritz-Carlton Plastic Cup with Sissy-Girly Drink not included.

*Translation for non-booty speakers. You’ve read about them here on Mind Over Mullis. Now you can win the very shoes that attended, but did not get worn at the deluxe Ritz Carlton wedding. Worn for an hour, carried for an evening of dining and dancing! Just add a comment to this post or e-mail ashley1949@gmail.com. Hope you can walk a mile in my shoes—because I couldn’t walk at all!

Deadline: 11:59PM, September 30, 2010. Void where prohibited.

5 comments:

Beth Bartlett said...

ROFL, I love it! Count me in, just because I have a writer's con in three weeks and no idea where my black shoes are. ;)

pendants said...

That's great! I love a picture book story. You're getting pretty good with the photos. And who can resist Ritz Carlton shoes?!!!

Jeanette Levellie said...

Arggghhh, are ye serious? Aye and fer shure, I'd be as daft as an eel not to put me hat in the ring fer these beauties!

Thanks fer yer generosity. Fer a pirate, yer not so bad.

Jen
jeanettelevellieATgmailDOTcom

Amy Mullis said...

Any one of you (and I haven't forgotten the ones that have contacted my by gmail) would be a credit to these stylish satin slippers. I'm crushed that I must part ways with them. But then again, that already happened on the big hill at the Ritz. *Sigh*

plechead said...

Arrgh, me hearty! I'll give 'er a shot across the bow fer th' booty! Shiver me timbers, Cap'n, but it's been ages since I laid eye on yer scurvy hide! Seems like it's been ages since we filled the local tavern with wine, women and song!