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Saturday, January 15, 2011

Zip It

All in all, I’d rather polish my nails with a power sander than go shopping for blue jeans. You think that the old pair would take pity and hold out at least until President’s Day, but apparently old blue jeans don’t make New Year’s resolutions. (Old Jeans: I resolve to band my fibers together to uphold truth, justice, and ten pounds of pumpkin pie.)

The stroke of midnight saw the Old Year pull one last trick and jam the zipper on my trusty blues like the door of Cheesecake Heaven on Weight Watchers graduation day.

I want to be like Michelle Obama. I can tell just by looking that she can walk into a department store and pull on a pair of jeans like Batman with a new set of pointy ears; no wrinkles, gaps, or gathers, everything fits where it’s supposed to, and you can sit down without accidently blowing your nose.

The last time I tried on jeans, the seat grabbed my thighs like a ravenous Koala clutching a pair of chubby bamboo stalks and tried to chew through to freedom. I still have a nasty zipper tattoo inside my knee, and ugly memories of an unfortunate incident with a reinforced seam.

Fastening your jeans shouldn’t be like arm wrestling a wolverine. The first time I tried to put on my jeans after the holidays I think I invented a new Yoga position, Downward Moon Salutations, followed by a new jump for figure skaters, the triple klutz. These days when I pull the wretched things out of the drawer, the dogs take up strategic positions under the coffee table. I saw one using the fruit bowl as a crash helmet.

It’s not that I don’t have admirable intentions for the fate of my physical condition in the coming year. I intend to commit acts of exercise that will make a profound difference on the shape of my horizons. This is the year I will see my knees without the aid of a three-way mirror and a headband with a periscope attached.

But if all else fails I may need reflective safety tape, a video camera, and a trusted comrade who can keep a secret.

Wonder if the dog can handle that camera.


Nancy said...

I have two words for you, dahling, "9% Spandex."

Anne (aka "stormie") said...

Yes! Spandex! Best. Thing. Ever. All my jeans have it.

And button extenders. :D

Funny as always, Amy!

Deb Claxton said...

Very funny! I have a few other suggestions - jeggings. They're jeans plus leggings and very stretchy. There is also Janx - jeans plus spanx, and Jeasweats - sweat pants made out of jeans material! I personally spend as much time as possible in flannel pajamas so I don't have to face the jeans issue.

Lucia Paul said...

Haa! Please take us with you (in spirit only-otherwise we'll never fit in the dressing room) when you buy a bathing suit. I recently tried on 15 pairs of jeans AND some jeggings and nothing was flattering...sigh...
At least you made me laugh about it. :)