Saturday, October 1, 2011
Little Cat Feat
While I was waiting for celebrity gossip to load over my dial-up internet connection, I whiled away the time licking the crumbs off the breakfast plates and perusing the headlines in our local paper.
It seems that our City Council, having exhausted their legislative efforts in a road maintenance fundraising extravaganza known locally as the Pothole Tax, recently decided to proceed with an innovative stroke of legislation involving leash laws for cats.
This idea is known locally as Stupid.
Leashing a cat is nearly as effective as lassoing escaped methane from a pasture full of Longhorns.
I know from experience how unproductive this sort of excursion can be. (The catwalking, not the methane lassoing. I have teenaged sons, but I find that a quick shot of Chanel Number Lysol takes care of them.) I attempted the leash walking feat before, and I have a new respect for anti-bacterial cream, sterile bandages, and super glue.
I was younger at the time, and when a light bulb came on in my head, I didn’t have the wisdom to shoot out the light before it could cause major damage. What a good idea it would be to use the Dachshund’s puppy collar and leash to take our ten-year-old tabby for a stroll. Lucy’s puppy collar was designed for comfort and was quite sporty. What objections could Justin have?
Turns out that “What a good idea!” and “What objections could Justin have” are the words that drive a cat over the Cliffs of Insanity. Who knew a 10-year-old ball of mottled fur that sleeps in the sun all day had a Ninja-mode over-ride?
Justin put out my little light bulb with a power surge.
I staggered into the house with the leash wrapped around my legs like I’d been shortsheeted with mummy wrappings.
“Son, run in and get me a Band-Aid.”
“Well, make it a big one.”
“Got any spare Type O?”
After all I’ve done for that kid, he still won’t part with a pint of the good stuff for his mother.
Today I have so many scars, I have striped skin. With my faux-tiger motif, I'm all the rage at jungle-themed costume parties.
So next time the lawmakers get together, I’d rather they do something harmless like levy a per child tax on buffet restaurants.
And leave the Kitty Bill of Rights alone.