Things That Make You Go. . .Do What?!

I’m afraid if it rains much more, BP will send a representative to dump a quart of 10W40 in the mud puddle by my driveway.

They don’t play Pomp and Circumstance when you graduate from the school of hard knocks.  They play Another One Bites the Dust.

Is half a mind a zombie snack?

For Mother’s Day, I was at a restaurant where a stranger was handing out roses to all the women. I wonder if he’s going to give out power tools for Father’s Day.

I’m at the age where my packaging label reads “Some Settling May Occur.”  On the back it says, “Things in the mirror are larger than they appear.”

Now that I’ve turned 50, offering to slip into something more comfortable isn’t really a promise.  It’s a threat.

Why is it that a kid who can memorize a 37 key code to wipe out a zombie apocalypse on a video game is puzzled by the Start button on the washer?

Different age people like different kinds of cars. My boys like the kind that get from zero to sixty in a nanosecond. I like the ones that can remember where I was going.

My teenage son asked me, “How long does it take for a tree to become petrified?”

I answered, “As long as it takes it to teach the twigs how to drive.”

The last time I tried on swimsuits in front of a dressing room mirror, I realized something.  I’d have to use Google Earth to get a picture of my butt.

Never wear a dangly charm bracelet when you have diarrhea.

If I can shop for everyone in my family without taking them along to try on clothes, why do I never come home with the right size underwear for me?

My dentist put my last crown in place with a nail.  I didn’t know whether to write him a check or charge it to my Home Depot account.