SECRETS

Why is it that you will tell all your secrets to a total stranger, but won’t give your Facebook password to your firstborn child?

Strolling into Lowe’s because I can’t wait until that shadow-challenged groundhog gets the weather right so I can purchase my first victim, I mean ornamental flowering shrub, of the year, I came across a husband-and-wife pair trying out a fancy chair in the garden department. I’m sure Lowe’s has other departments because Bill is always announcing he’s going there to buy a part. I’m not sure what parts he buys or if he’s just going there to sniff the lumber, because I break more things than he ever fixes, but maybe I’m better at breaking than he is at fixing. We all excel at something.

This couple was about my age, which is the age of needing to sit down as soon as you walk from the parking lot to the front door of the store, and this chair was the first thing past the bugacide and the weed killer, so you can see that this store knows what goes on at my house.

This chair was big enough for two people or one person, a bag of Oreos and a Big Gulp. It was round like a globe and had cushions all around the inside. It was just the sort of chair you would snuggle in to read a book on a rainy day or hide from a solar panel salesman at the door any time.

This couple tumbled out of the chair with a flourish in just the same form I use to fall down the front steps when I’m taking the dog out to soil the lawn. The conversation led to a natural turn of events which, of course included the fact that I had a comfort height (think vertical stretch limo in porcelain form) toilet and that as far as I was concerned it might be comfort height for Shaquille O‘Neill, Big Foot, and the Jolly Green Giant, but for me was reachable only with an Olympic quality springboard and a trampoline.

We were chatting happily when my son texted me for my Facebook password. Since this particular defendant is still under investigation for unauthorized video footage of me napping instead of peeling potatoes for supper, his request was denied.

Besides, I was busy bidet shopping with my new best friends.