Ode To My TP

(In which I've discovered that toilet paper that is safe for your septic tank is harmful to your. . .hygiene.)

New Septic Safe Scott Tissue
How could you do this thing
Now why I try to tear you
You turn into one long string.

You faint at the sight of moisture
Afraid of a simple task
You turn into shreds and crumbles
Unable to do what I ask.

I’m bidding farewell to a good friend.
A valiant soldier of old
For now he’s no use in the end
And just a wet blanket to hold.

You’ve been in my family for eons
A giant in many lands
But now that you’re safer for septics
You’re a terrible danger to hands!