Click any letter for a look at my prize-winning essay from the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. You don't even have to buy a vowel.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Resolutions: Doggies & Potties & Zombies, Oh My!

The Resolution Trend is upon us, and much like the leg-warmer trend of the seventies, it crawls up your leg and leaves you with cold feet. But if Resolving is the thing to do, I may as well jump right in and point out my shortcomings. Lord knows if I don’t do it, the teenagers will.

The rules are simple: No setting goals that involve Paris Hilton in appearance or scope, no setting goals that involve such a vast amount of weight loss that a colon cleanse is indicated, and no setting goals that will prove detrimental to your overall lifestyle - honestly, it will not make you a better person to bake like Paula Deen. You’ll just spend more time in the kitchen, you’d have to expand to more extensive stretchy pants, and while you’re at it take a look at a recent picture. The woman is obviously a zombie. I haven’t seen eyes like that since Mystery Science Theatre 3000 ruled the airwaves.

So, with our ground rules, if not our sanity, intact, here are my Resolutions for 2010:

To eat at least one meal without sharing with the dogs. How many bites does it take before the Labrador remembers that he still doesn’t like olives?

To go ahead and take the batteries out of the TV remote/game controller/digital camera before the boys beat me to it. Personal satisfaction is the name of the game here.

Find one easy-to-prepare meal that everyone in the family will eat. Perhaps I’ll also go in search of Leprechauns and buckets of gold.

To come home from any destination (including a trip to the mailbox) at least once without heading immediately to the bathroom. Honestly, predictability is so 2009.

To go a full day without complaining about the speed of my Internet access, all the while bemoaning the days when people had to rely on the Pony Express or fax machines to deliver information.

Not to make more resolutions that I can feasibly accomplish. Which I automatically failed to do in Resolution Number One.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make the dog a sandwich. Extra pastrami, no olives.


Anonymous said...

Y'know, not just anyone can make that hat look good.

Amy Mullis said...

Oma, dear, it's no wonder you write humor.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

"Find one easy-to-prepare meal that everyone in the family will eat."

I have kids, and I can assure you that you are living in total la-la land, my friend. But, it's good to have goals.

Nancy said...

I seriously hope you are also rockin' a nice pair of Lederhosen with that hat. Hot!

Unknown said...

Hehehe - even though I don't comment much, I love your blog posts. :-)

Janna Leadbetter said...

I don't know much about resolutions, but that is very nearly the best picture/hat/caption evah!

colbymarshall said...

Take a picture of the dog with the sandwich before you take the batteries out, though. For me.

the Bag Lady said...


Eat without sharing with the dogs? That's a resolution just begging to be broken. (get it? begging? Okay, I won't quit my day job.)
Happy New Year, oh sister-from-another-mother!