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Monday, June 9, 2014

Dead Man Walking

Our heat pump froze over today. They tell me that happens when the filter gets clogged.

There’s a filter? Like for regular or menthol?

In my recent experience (before my nap) I learned that when the filter is clogged, all the good, cold air goes back to the unit and turns into Frozen, the Backyard Reenactment, and the wicked bad air blows up my pants leg. If you’ve never had a blast of thermodynamics up your leg in the midst of a humid Southern Summer, let me assure you it’s no different from dropping a boiling hair ball down your pants.

Never mind the Fourth of July. We’ve already seen fireworks at my house.

I suddenly discovered the urgent need to call the Heat Pump People. They suggested that as long as we keep Labradors scattered around the house like throw rugs, we might want to consider changing the filter more often. Who knew that big dogs were good for more than finishing up your ham sandwich or standing in the open doorway to watch the neighbor’s cat wash between its toes? They also keep us up-to-date with filter changing.

The filter is in the basement.

I barely have the energy to crawl into the kitchen and hold my mouth open under the ice dispenser when it’s this hot, and this guy is suggesting I skip down two flights of stairs like it’s the Yellow Brick Road, and crawl through the Tunnel of the Dead to change the filter? Everybody knows that Bad Guys go through neighborhoods hiding bodies in basements. Doesn’t this guy read? Or watch reality shows?

“What did they say?” Captain CoolDown appears, clad only in Things He Wears When It’s Too Hot to Dress, mopping his brow with the grocery list.

“They say you need to change the filter.”

“I’d better do it. This heat is going to make the bodies smell.”

Great. I’m looking for Green Acres and he’s giving me Twilight Zone.

Armed with a new filter, flashlight, and a flask of Holy Water, the Captain heads downstairs. I hear various noises that may or may not involve screaming and swordplay and the breaking of glass that I’m pretty sure involved what’s left of the Holy Water.

In the silence that follows, I’m trying to decide whether to call Ghostbusters or dial Emergency Services for the Jaws of Life. Suddenly the Survivor of Basement Battles: Zombie Heat Pump edition pops his head in the kitchen.

“We should be good in just a little while. Do you know anything about this?” He held up a coil of bushy Christmas garland bedecked with tiny lights.

Garland that had been in the way when we brought up our decorations last December and I blindly piled in a convenient crawl space, effectively blocking air flow for six months. There was only one thing to do.

“Never saw it before.”

 Let the Spirit of Christmas Past stay down there with the rest of the bodies.

Monday, June 2, 2014

12 Simple Rules

It's not that I didn't want jail time after the divorce. . .oh wait, yes it is. So I made a handy list of rules to keep the Defendant alive and to help me maintain an unfettered life.  Join me at the Huffington Post for 12 Simple Rules for my Clueless Ex-Husband.