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Monday, February 25, 2008

Key Issue

This afternoon as I fished hysterically in my purse for my stupid car keys that were hiding from me on purpose, I had an idea.

For me, having an idea is a bit like giving birth to a ten pound porcupine. It’s a tedious process, fraught with peril, but quite sharp in the end. What I need is a Global Positioning System that can tell me where in my Super Organizer Bag to find my car keys.

That way I won’t be late for the school pick-up line while I thrash around unsuccessfully in my purse for twenty minutes sifting through stale M&M’s and used Kleenx before attempting to unlock my door with a Number Two pencil and a Twinkie wrapper.

The GPS KeyFinder is sure to be a moneymaker if properly engineered, using language that normal people who don’t factor pi for a hobby can understand. None of this “proceed north past the checkbook for 6 centimeters, turn east at the lipstick, circumnavigate the compact” sort of thing.

My basic concept of direction is this: North is up, South is down, East is left, and West is right. My WWII Navy Dad cringes whenever people ask me for directions. He says if I were in charge of Japanese navigations, Pearl Harbor would have remained untouched. But those elves at the North Pole would still be rebuilding reindeer pens.

I need basic directions. “Plunge hand into the middle compartment with the zipper that’s jammed with the soccer sock. Bypass the garage door opener and orange TicTac, turn left at the chewed cinnamon gum wrapped in foil, continue for the length of the nail file, then shake purse twice firmly. Keys are affixed to the melted Snickers bar by hardened caramel.

I’m not even going to charge the GPS people for this millionaire-making idea. A simple thank you and the knowledge that mommies everywhere will make it to school pick-up on time will be my reward. That and some pizza coupons. And a car with keyless entry.

Now, if I could only find my cell phone, I’d call and tell them. I know it’s here somewhere in my purse. . .

6 comments:

Janna said...

I'll take one! Have it drop shipped to my address, please.

Congrats on the new column! I can't wait to see it. :)

the Bag Lady said...

The exact reason the Bag Lady no longer carries a purse! She discovered that a little, tiny change-purse size thing in her pocket was sufficient! Took her awhile to realize that she didn't need to carry all that shit around with her. She still needs the GPS to find her keys, though, 'cause she never knows which pocket she stuck them in...

And she can understand what your dad meant - if North is up and South is down, then East would be right and West would be left... :)

the Bag Lady said...

Well, unless you were standing different....

plaidearthworm said...

So true! I saw a purse with interior lighting advertised on TV once, guaranteed to keep things from getting lost. But I dig in my purse so much, I'd be afraid people would think there's a UFO landing in my lap. Thanks so much for the laughs today! :)

Amy Mullis said...

That's the thing, Bag Lady. I have to face the right way to know which direction's which. And the planets have to be aligned and the sun has to be out and there has to be a large sign with a flashing arrow that says "Amy go this way!"

Dawn said...

I read this line to my husband: "My WWII Navy Dad cringes whenever people ask me for directions. He says if I were in charge of Japanese navigations, Pearl Harbor would have remained untouched. But those elves at the North Pole would still be rebuilding reindeer pens."

Hubby wanted to know if you and I are cousins. ;)