You Might Be A Parent If. . .

You have ever stood toe to toe with another adult at Christmas time, clutching the last action figure on the shelf at Wal-Mart and spewing spittle into one another’s face, because that action figure is second only to "Surprises" on The List.

You have ever entertained ten cake-throwing preschoolers wearing party hats in your living room so that Johnny will have warm birthday memories and extra presents.

You have ever sat through three showings of Pokemon, The Movie because it’s Precious Child’s favorite film.

You have ever stood in line during your lunch hour to exchange the Spiderman bookbag for the Iron Man bookbag because NOBODY has a Spiderman bookbag. (Feel free to substitute Barney, Dora the Explorer, Bob the Builder or your own animated choice.)

You have ever taken time off work to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for Parent’s Lunch Day at second grade.

You have ever thought the sixth grade band played the most beautiful and spirited version of Frosty the Snowman that has ever been witnessed the world over.

You have ever worked overtime to make up for the time you were late taking Billy’s lunchbox to school because he left it in your car and you know they’re having ugly food in the school cafeteria.

You have ever climbed into the driver’s seat of your car only to come in contact with the business end of GI Joe’s assault weapon.

You have ever told one child not to “look at,” “touch,” or “smile at” another child?

You have ever uttered the words “Because I Said So!” because if you said what you were really thinking it would scar the listener--and bind your psyche with guilt--for life.