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Friday, March 25, 2011

The No Brownie Birthday

Today is the Captain’s birthday and he’s not getting a brownie.

I blame it on Mrs. Williams. She was my third grade teacher. Up until third grade, I loved school. I was all about fat crayons and recess and seeing if Dougie Jenkins would really eat the prunes off of everybody’s plate during lunch.

Then in third grade we started learning things. Other things than what happens when you eat 26 prunes at a time, which would technically count as biology and not comprise a major part of my career path, which was Major League Baseball. Either that or ballet. Turns out I never took a dance lesson, but I could hit a line drive that would give Dougie Jenkins an extra navel if he didn’t hotfoot it off the pitcher’s mound in time. Dougie dropped out of school not long after that.

Anyway, I’m not sure if we ever had fractions in Mrs. Williams’s class, but it sounds like something she would get all “it’s a party” about. So, I’m pretty sure it’s her fault.

Anyway, yesterday at work a very nice man, who isn’t nice just because he can cook or because he tells me jokes that I understand, but because he's just an all-around good guy that likes chocolate, brought a brownie to me at work. It was fairly extensive as brownies go, and made from something called scratch. I’m not exactly sure what is in scratch, but it makes terrific brownies.

So, looking at the whole thing logically, I knew I should eat that brownie before someone else came along and I had to share. But I also knew it would be good to share the brownie with the Captain, because today is his birthday. (That's where the term brownie points comes from.)

I decided to eat half and take home half. Hopefully he wouldn’t want his half, so I should probably go ahead and eat part of his half and he wouldn’t mind, and it would keep the scratch that was in it from going bad.

So I took a bite.

And another bite.

And one more bite.

And a series of nibbles.

Eventually his half was a good deal smaller than my half (the technical term "smidgeon" might apply) except there wasn’t any of my half left to compare. So if there was only one half, there was really only one brownie and shouldn’t I get half? I tried to work out the mathematical equation on my napkin, but new math can get really complicated when you have to carry a one in the fudge column. So I ate the rest of the brownie.

Mrs. Williams, I hope you’re happy, wherever you are. Now I have to find out where to get some scratch to make brownies with before the Captain’s birthday is over.

I’m fairly sure you can't find it in third grade. Maybe I'll just get prunes.


Anonymous said...

Alas, poor Captain -- your brownie never had a chance, with that new-fangled math she learned in 3rd grade.

Linda and Birdie Puggins

Bill Mullis said...

So THAT's where my brownie went! Dang it, woman!

Anonymous said...

I think you were justified in eating the whole brownie because there's an old saying "The brownie in the stomach is worth two in the bush." Or is it "Don't count your brownies before they're made from scratch" Or maybe it's "Always darkest before someone at work brings in homemade brownies?"


Deb Claxton said...

While I feel sorry for the Captain (HAPPY BIRTHDAY) I think you were justified in eating the whole brownie afterall there's the old saying, "A brownie in the stomach is worth two in the bush." Who wants to eat a brownie that's been sitting around in the woods? Or maybe the saying is "It's alwyas darkest before someone at work brings in brownies."

Deb said...

Well now I did it again. The screen changed before I finished my comment so I thought I lost it, but no it was published twice. It was so good (kidding) that it got repeated twice.

Anonymous said...

Well, knowing the Captain's LDL nos....he's not to have chocolate unless it has an "X" in front of it....I know the Captain's favorite wench did this so no harm would come to the Captain (that's what good wenches do - or at least I'm told that).....AND that's enough said!

Better luck next time Captain. Revenge of the Peeps is near......

Beth Bartlett said...

Sorry, I only read half of your post; I started drooling over the word "brownie" in the title. ;) Awesome post as always, and Happy B-Day to the best pirate I know! (Could be the only pirate I know...)