Click any letter for a look at my prize-winning essay from the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. You don't even have to buy a vowel.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Charlie's Out There

“What’s with the hat?”

The Captain doesn’t always trust my motives. If I were a ship, he’d stock plenty of life boats before leaving port.

“I want to run away from my job, wallow in uncontrolled substances, and wear ugly clothes.”

“Did you get the Nyquil mixed up with the mouthwash again or have you been watching Charlie Sheen on TV?”

“Charlie Sheen. He’s a zillionaire and he’s always wearing some crazy hat. I thought I’d give it a try and see if I could come up with the big bucks.”

“I don’t think a clown hat from Ringling Brothers is going to do the job. Why don’t you try a pretty floral bonnet?”

I peered out from under the brim. “It’s perfect. There’s not a better clown on TV. And he’s living the high life.”

"You want to rebel from work? Didn’t they just have Employee Appreciation Day there?"

“Yes, and a covered dish dinner. It was lovely.”

“Then why don’t you rebel from housework instead?”

I leaned back in my chair to consider. The clown hat swept the shelf behind me and sent a dusty copy of Stain Removal for Dummies crashing to the floor.

“That’s not a bad idea. There’s vacuuming. I hate to vacuum.”

“You haven’t vacuumed in 13 years. Do you know where we keep the Hoover?”

"In the Colorado River?"

“That’s a dam.”

“That’s about right.”

“And I hate to cook.”

“The closest you’ve come to cooking in the last week is pouring milk on your breakfast cereal. We have enough takeout boxes in the refrigerator to have a potluck supper for the cast of Slumdog Millionaire.”

“There’s always uncontrolled substances.”

“Uncontrolled? You mean like over-the-counter breath mints? Or nonprescription drugs? You can’t even take painkillers without walking like a circus clown. That must be why you need the hat.”

“Drugs? Who said anything about drugs? I meant Girl Scout cookies. Those Thin Mints are addictive.”

“All that’s left is ugly clothes. I’ve always been partial to your purple flannel puppy dog pajamas.”

“They don’t count. They’re my good luck pajamas.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yeah. Whenever I wear them I dream about George Clooney.”

“You'd better stick with the hat. You look like a freakin’ rock star.”

“From Mars?”

“From Pluto.”

“That doesn’t sound quite as epic.”

“Well, you’re way out in space and everybody loves you, but you don’t have what it takes to make top billing.”

"I can't believe you said that. That's cold."

"Now you're finding out what life is really like on Mars."


Anonymous said...

This is your premise, on drugs...and it's hilarious!


Deb Claxton said...

I'm drinking diet tiger blood while I'm reading this post. The trolls will never get it. Duh, winning!!

Jeanette Levellie said...

How did I miss Dusting for Dummies? I must have been baking GS Cookies the day it released.

You are my hilarity hero. I think you could even make God laugh (I mean this in a good way).

Amy Mullis said...

Ralph-Epic winning!

Deb - Diet Tiger Blood. That SO makes a loser out of my Slimfast shakes.

Jeanette - Thanks! I make God laugh every day. I tell him my plan and He laughs and tells me the right plan. The next day we start over.

Anonymous said...

I can never quite figure it out -- is The Captain the straight man for your one-liners, or is it the other way around? Either way, you two are my favorite comedy team!

Love, Linda and Birdie Puggins