Laugh

Laugh
Click any letter for a look at my prize-winning essay from the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. You don't even have to buy a vowel.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Green Grows the. . .Compost?

I get e-mails from The Home Depot Garden Club which is kind of like Jack the Ripper subscribing to Hooters R Us.

The newest edition to hit my inbox is offering suggestions that will enable me to annihilate plants during the winter months as well as during the balmy days of summer. I don’t need much help sending plants down the garden path anytime, but it seems like the colder months would serve as beginner level floracide. However, the experts suggest I plant winter greens at this time. Since I didn’t plant anything that stayed green in June, I’m excited to give November a try.

My Gardening Guru suggests I plant a nice patch of arugula, which sounds to me like either a choice vacation destination somewhere that serves drinks with a variety of tropical fruit garnishes, or an indication of nasal drainage.

I’m also supposed to seize the opportunity to divide my perennials. I’m not entirely sure what perennials are, but there’s talk about a root ball that I wouldn’t bring up in mixed company.

One of the sections described proper care for my power equipment. I’m not allowed to use a hair dryer without a license. I cannot imagine a situation where I would be set loose with a leaf blower without an Emergency Responder standing by for immediate action in case my Bermuda grass goes South. I did use a string trimmer once to even up the grassy fringe along the driveway. Now there’s a stone nestled beside a stand of oxymorons that resembles a first grade macramé project.

The Garden Club is adamant that now is the time to begin composting. I’ve finally found an area where I can excel. If piling trash is an avenue to luscious landscaping, I’ve been a master gardener for years.

5 comments:

Carole Lee said...

People are staring at me because I am sitting in the truck by myself cracking up! LOL! The offer still stands for a green thumb transplant. I have an extra.
= )

Fred said...

I am shocked and dismayed. I insist that you cease and desist your "gardening" attempts immediately! What did those poor innocent plants ever do to you?

Damn, the Lunatic's friends are even crazier than she is...

Amy Mullis said...

I am SO gonna get that green thumb one day. But I'm holding out for the complete package. I need the rest of you to remodel my bathroom.

Amy Mullis said...

Dear Fred, I've slaughtered TWO jade plants this year. A smart fellow will keep his fronds to himself. Love, Amy

Carole Lee said...

In my experience, there is no such thing as an innocent plant. They are all in cahoots, and are plotting our demise. Kind of like Animal Farm, but with less fur and usually a bit less slobber.