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Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Who Am I and Why Am I Wearing These Pants?

After almost half a century, I’ve finally figured out my identity. It came after a lot of finding out what my identity isn’t.

I’m not the customer that strolls into a highbrow boutique to have all the salespeople cluster around her cooing, “I’ve been waiting for you to come in. I have a clever little cocktail dress in a size 6 that would be just perfect for you after we take it in.”

I’m the customer who wanders in the store, fumbling through her purse for her bifocals and casting about nearsightedly for the chubbies department while Twiggy the sales girl adjusts her shoulder pads to give the illusion of a three dimensional shape and mutters through her nose, “I’ll be with you in a minute.” Meanwhile I can find the perfect dress to wear to the class play on the clearance rack.

I’m not the employee that writes a clever computer program that allows the CEO to unsend an e-mail that distributes company secrets to everyone in his address book, including the Soviet spy that highlights as a janitor.

But I am the employee that can unjam the copy machine with a raised eyebrow, a push of a button, and a hip check in less time than it takes the culprit to hijack the elevator to the third floor to jam their copy machine.

I’m not the wife that can pull together a catered luncheon for 150 when my husband offhandedly invites the rained-out IT Teambuilder Weekend group home. But I know the way to a man’s heart is paved with meatloaf and mashed potatoes and I have a secret ingredient that gets his attention faster than an advertisement for a car that runs on beer.

I’m not the health-chick who can order a salad for lunch and be too full to pack in another bite. I’m the one who reaches for the dessert menu as soon as her stretch jeans hit the cushioned seat of the booth and orders her entrée by saying, “Whatever goes with the Death by Chocolate.”

I’m not the Mom that can whip up a fairy princess costume out of two doilies and a handful of glitter that consumes the under-five crowd with envy. But I can juggle two soccer practices and a baseball banquet on a single Saturday without losing shin guards or sanity.

I’m not the daughter that can buy her parents a mansion on fifty acres of Kentucky bluegrass or a nice retirement villa in the South of France. But I can make sure they get to every doctor’s appointment, including that awful dentist who makes dentures that stick to a candy apple like the Sword in the Stone.

I’m not the sister who picks out birthday cards with enough flowers on front to kick your hay fever into high gear and has it delivered to your office in a pot of seasonal blossoms that I’ll drop by your house to plant in the garden for you later.

The bouquet I send you will be made of assorted chocolate bars; at least one will have a bite missing and another will be an empty wrapper. But I’m the sister that goes shopping in the petite section with you even though the only thing petite about either one of us is our patience with all the clothes made for small, slender women.

So if you’re looking for the one who will stick by you through bad manicures, haircuts gone wrong, and spray-on tans that look like a summer sunset off the coast of Florida, I’m your gal. But try and pull on a pair of skinny jeans after a post-romance feeding frenzy and you’re on your own. It takes a wise woman to know the limits of her stretchy pants.


Janna Leadbetter said...

And you're an amazing woman. Brava! Great post, Amy. :)

Blessed said...

You sound a lot like me :)

the Bag Lady said...

Great post, Amy! Had me chuckling all the way, and wishing I could go shopping with you!

Elissa J. Hoole said...

:D Loved this post, and the last three I just got caught up on! btw, I think we bought our current house because there was a built-in pencil sharpener by the basement door (a need for outlets, which is fortunate since the house in question did not come with many of those) that sharpens pencils so well they become off-limits to the kids for fear they will accidentally fall on them while running madly through the house and stab themselves in the brain.

You crack me up, Amy!

Unknown said...

Wonderful post! But now I'm the one filling up on salad, LOL. Don't worry, I'm still a long way from skinny just yet. Long live the stretchy pants!

colbymarshall said...

You're a lot like way am I having salad for lunch! Lovely post :)

Rachel Burton said...

Awesome post! I'm not that woman either!

Amy Mullis said...

Ladies, I think we've exposed the secret of the perfect woman. She doesn't exist! And we're doing just fine without her.

Becster said...

Amen! We must get together some day. :)

Dawn said...

What a great post, Amy!!! And... you're the kind of gal anyone should consider themselves lucky to have as a friend!