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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Not Talking Turkey - My Top Ten List

I have a friend who writes a witty letter to send to the far reaches of her family at Christmas time every year. Since I never purposely steal anyone’s idea unless I can do it better or score first blood, I decided to compose an annual Thanksgiving letter instead, so that mine will be done before she gets out her shiny balls and Ho Ho’s. But on further reflection, I don’t want to risk competing with a lady who has enough culture to inquire, “What wine goes with roadkill?”

Therefore, in an act of stubborn cowardice, I have decided instead to present the top ten list of things I’ve learned this year. There’s been a lot of study material.

I learned that Life Lessons are either immensely painful or expensive. And also that one does not exclude the other.

I learned that driving a kidney patient to the hospital requires you to slow down, at least over the railroad tracks.

I learned that kidneys must be emptied more often than pockets at a police station and that the announcement that a patient’s kidneys are about to explode like the planet Alderan under attack from a fully functional Death Star shortens the wait at the Emergency Room immensely.

Transporting the patient home across the same railroad tracks, I learned that men with catheters DO NOT have a sense of humor.

I learned that the insurance company will pay for a bandaid quite cheerfully, but morphine requires an offering of type O positive and Taylor Swift tickets with backstage passes for the daughter of the insurance company’s CEO—and 350 of her closest friends.

I learned that if the kidney patient schedules a physical to see if anything else is wrong; something will be.

I learned that triglycerides are neither a good name for a rock band, nor a circus acrobatic act that revolves around a three-wheeled vehicle.

I learned to appreciate whole grain bread, lean meats, garden vegetables, and fresh fruit.

I learned that “refrigerate after opening” doesn’t necessarily apply to fresh fruit.

I learned that poached, grilled, boiled, and baked fish are still basically fish. Unless corn meal and hot grease are involved, all recipes are the same. Disclaimer: This is just an observation. I like fish. Please do not send me your recipe. I rejected Martha Stewart and I’ll reject you.

I learned that even though Life Lessons are expensive and painful and fraught with adventures that make you late for supper, having a healthy husband makes it all worthwhile. Tomorrow, between the green beans and Splenda-sweetened tea, I'll be putting in a word of thanks for that.

(Of course, that’s 11 things on the list. But when it comes to lessons, I was always an overachiever anyway. Happy Thanksgiving, Honey!)


Anonymous said...

You do have some things to be thankful this Thanksgiving. Hope you enjoy your day as much as I enjoyed reading your post.

Janna Leadbetter said...

I'm so glad Bill Dear (and you) made it through! What important lessons.

And you taught me: "I rejected Martha Stewart and I’ll reject you." LOL!

Anonymous said...

yay! All is well at the Mullis house. Definitely a reason to give thanks.


Nancy said...

I'm thankful to have you in my life, you crazy broad!

the Bag Lady said...

Kidneys can be such a pain in the..... back.
Glad to hear things are looking up at your house!

(Yet another similarity between us, Amy - the Rancher has had kidney "issues", too!)

colbymarshall said...

Ok, I almost wet myself at the kidney patient over railroad tracks comment. And that wasn't even supposed to be punny. ;-)

Lisa Allen said...

I'm glad you took care of Bill and that he's feeling better (I hope!)

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Anonymous said...

Poor Bill. I hope there are no railroad tracks around if you have to drive me to the hospital. Keep you oth safe and well.