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Saturday, October 8, 2011

Talking Turkey

Two years ago, facing a diagnosis of “your internal organs are going to explode,” the Captain lost enough weight that he could send some to underdeveloped countries, such as Japan, where no one is ever overweight except Sumo wrestlers, the people who wear the least clothes.

Come to think of it, it’s that way at the beach, too. And, of course, Wal-Mart. Why is it that people with the most to show wear the least to cover it up? I’m certainly not the poster child for the “Feed the Runway Models” campaign, but I sure don’t want to have the seat behind the Sumo guy when he does his warm-up stretches.

Anyway, Cap also practically emptied his blood stream of triglycerides, a medical term that means “the fuse to the bomb that will make your internal organs explode.”

He did this all by himself. While he was very busy with the sort of advanced mathematics that deals with less than, greater than, and the sort of cholesterol level that voids whole sets of fat grams, I busied myself roasting turkeys, steaming vegetables, and skimming fat from by-products.

Eventually the Captain’s math resulted in the need for a belt to hold his pants up, and life returned to normal on the poop deck.

Until yesterday. One simple stretch and the button popped off his pants with enough force to put another hole in the ozone layer. Either his pancreas exploded or his body is rejecting artificial fasteners.

That little button also blew a hole in my holiday planning calendar for the next few months. I’m back to skimming, steaming, and roasting.

Luckily, my house is full of turkeys.


Adam said...

OR, you could reinforce the buttons on his pants.

What? I'm lazy. :P


Amy Mullis said...

Oh, Adam, this button left shrapnel I don't even want to talk about!

colbymarshall said...

Hahaha- I don't want that seat either! *shakes off mental image* Congrats (but not?) to the C'pn. Wishing you a happy roasted turkey!

Lisa Allen said...

Slow-roasted turkey is the best! Now, where to find one, I couldn't tell ya...

Anonymous said...

All talk about turkey - makes Captain a dull boy. I thought instantly of his starring in the next jeans commercial where the button ......

Anyway, keep up the good work Captain, but back to basics.

Deb Claxton said...

Congratulations on losing weight. I've lost weight before, but it keeps finding me.

Amy Mullis said...

I guess I'm partial to turkey, no matter how you get it, but this turkey's gonna end up in hot water!