Click any letter for a look at my prize-winning essay from the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. You don't even have to buy a vowel.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Top Tense

Thanks, kind of, to the Captain for filling in today. This piece first appeared at An Army of Ermas, where we are both contributors.  "What a fun idea," we thought, "to collaborate on a piece."  All I can say is, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Then again, so did parachute pants.

Amy and I were brainstorming the other day in preparation for collaborating on this piece. There was a point where we stopped what we were doing, looked each other in the eye, and said, “This ain't going to work.” See, for all the love and respect we have for each other and each other’s work, we harbor no delusions about our ability to work together on a writing project. Two divas, that’s what we are. 

So we drew straws to decide who would have the honor of completing the essay. Amy drew the long straw. After soundly beating me with it, she allowed me to proceed.

 To that end, I present the following XX Examples of Artistic Tension:

Top Ten Ways To Get Your Husband To Stop Snoring

1. I don't snore.
2. Yes, you do.
3. No, I don't.
4. I want a divorce.

Top Log(10) Funniest Irrational Numbers
1. Pi
2. Wait. Is this geek humor?
3. Ummm. Yes?
4. I want a divorce.

Top Ten Cleaning Tips From Women’s Magazines
1. Put garlic cloves in the microwave for a few seconds to make them easier to peel.
2. What? How would that help?
3. I don't know. It just does.
4. That's stupid. And it's a stupid magazine to put such a stupid tip in it.
5. I want a divorce.

Top ten Craftsmen Power Tools, By Intrinsic Coolness
1. Craftsman 19.2 Volt 4 pc. C3 Combo Kit
2. Craftsman Professional Stapler/Brad Nailer, Heavy-Duty, EasyFire™ Forward Action™ with Rapid-Fire
3. Stop.
4. What?
5. What's funny about a list of power tools?
6. Nothing. I said they'd be cool, not funny.
7. We're doing humor. That means funny.
8. I want a divorce.

Top ten moments of implied humor in Fitzgerald, Hemingway, and Faulkner
1. Zzzzzzzzz.....
2. I want a divorce.

Top ten flatulence jokes
1. No.
2. What? You wanted funny.
3. What I want now is a divorce.

Top ten reasons Bill is a stinky goo-head

Oh, yeah? Top ten reasons Amy is a....

Watch it, buster!

In short, it wasn't a pretty evening. But we did at least agree on the following list.

Top ten ways for a married couple with widely divergent styles to successfully collaborate on a humor project.

1. Get a divorce.

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