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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Bare Necessities

Why is it fashion dictates that women flaunt bare legs in the no-hosiery era just when shoes with heels the size of bridge supports come into style?  Sure the style looks great on Hollywood chicks whose color pallets range from Tan to Taupe and who spend their days in spinning classes to tone their legs like the primary dancers in the Bolshoi ballet. 

I live in an area where the main form of recreation is frying chicken. When the temperature drops below 60 degrees we slide under a cotton comforter and don’t show our knees until three months past Groundhog day.  You put legs that have been marinating in hot chocolate and cinnamon buns for three months in a pair of four inch fake Pradas a slide a sparkle spangle minidress on and what you come up with is not a vision of loveliness.  It’s more like a hallucination from medication withdrawal.

It used to be that girls were taught how to walk in high heels so the effect would be pleasing to the eye, like a finely tuned Ferrari on a straight stretch of highway.  Girls today clump along like a hillbilly jalopy in the Christmas parade.  I keep expecting one to backfire.

The movement against wearing hosiery is so strong that the new Duchess of Cambridge has taken sharp criticism for wearing stockings in the presence of the Queen.  But do we really want to expose a 90 year old monarch to a style that might send her trotting off on a royal play date with the Sultan of Sand Country wearing a coat dress and legs that look like patent leather? 

The resulting war could set back World Peace for another two centuries.

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