Click any letter for a look at my prize-winning essay from the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. You don't even have to buy a vowel.

Wednesday, November 17, 2021


(With many, many thanks to the people who excel at them.)

1.     Waitress (Server )  The first time someone threw a napkin on the floor, I would pop them with my tray and give them the “If we want to have a nice place to live, we clean up our messes“ speech. Then I would take away their phone and dessert privileges.

2.     Truck driver. I would stop at every rest station. It would take me a week to deliver a load to the next town. Also, I can’t reach the pedals.

3.     Bounty hunter for identity thieves and computer hackers. Unnecessary roughness. With a smile.

4.     House painter. Aversion to heights. Houses would have a band of paint that circled the house, reaching 5 feet, two inches above the ground. Also, I'm likely to paint ornamental shrubbery, potty-bound house pets, and random passersby.

5.     Caterer. Eating is my jam. I love jam. And all the stuffed mushrooms would disappear along with the icing from the birthday cupcakes.

6.     Welder. Fire. Seriously.

7.     Speech therapist. Not that I have a Southern accent, but can you imagine learning to pronounce words from someone who requires five syllables just to say yes? And six to say no.

8.    Fashion designer. My idea of haute couture is a shirt that will button across the chest and not ride up to show belly overlap. Also bunny slippers with ears that exceed two inches in height.

9.    Pet trainer. To me a 100 pound pit bull is a lap dog that just needs more leg room.

10. Teacher. See number 1. Also, I'm cranky if I skip naptime.

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