I'm not sure if this is before or after. It could go either way.

Ready, Sit, Go

 

My doctors are out to get me.

When I was younger I didn’t go to the doctor.

Now I have four. I’m playing Doctor Bingo and my card is almost full. I hope I don’t need one for the free spot. Or maybe I only want one for the free spot.

My doctors all have different priorities depending on which body part is about to wear out.

It’s like playing a Reality Version of Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes.

Don’t tell them, but so far my toes are doing fine.

They only agree on one thing.

They all think I should exercise.

Except I’m not allowed to stand up.

It’s like telling Bobby Flay to make dinner for twelve without stirring.

Since I’ve been sidelined, I’ve been watching cooking shows. Which could be part of the problem. They make me hungry. Not for ordinary stuff you can get in the cookie aisle at Ingles, but stuff that requires Chantilly cream or mascarpone, or homemade meringue. Maybe we could start a food train with famous chefs.

But let’s get back to the action. Or lack of action.

When I stand up, I’m likely to fall over. If I try a daredevil move like, say, walking, it’s double down. So to speak.

You don’t get odds like that at the Kentucky Derby. So I use a cane, or grab the arm of whoever is passing by, which is something the Derby horses don’t get to do, so I figure I’m better off than a two million dollar racehorse.

Which also means jumping jacks are out. Or jogging. Or reading magazine articles that say, “Walk Yourself Thin.”

Years ago, I used to walk around the mall and stop for a biscuit on the way out. My clothes didn’t fit, but I felt great and never got hungry. So we should be sure to support our malls for health reasons.

But now my doctors say I have to keep both feet on the floor.

So I get to exercise SITTING DOWN.

What’s the worst part of exercise besides smelling like a racehorse? Getting tired, of course. It always held me back in gym class and shopping marathons.

I figured I would eliminate the getting tired part and the rest would be easy. I put on a hairband with pink sparky cat ears to hold my hair out of my eyes. You can still look cute and exercise when your’re sitting down.

 I turned on a video.

An hour later I couldn’t drag myself across the finish line.

How do they think of so many things to do sitting down? I was tired.

So I went shopping online.

Sitting down.

Turns out the bakery delivers.