I recently encountered a studious and official-looking survey designed to tell me whether I was experiencing burnout at work due to excessive stress. I knew it was a trustworthy and unbiased survey because I found it on the Internet.

On my first attempt to take the survey, the computer rejected my answers and diverted me to an advertisement for fake Rolex watches. I tried a second time and saw my answers dumped in favor of a screen offering a tidy sum of money from a recently widowed Nigerian Mary Kay representative. The third time, the survey recorded my answers quite cheerfully until I was halfway through, whereupon the creature swallowed up my multiple choices and pronounced me moderately stressed. It was half right. My lightning-fast response resulted in a serious keyboard malfunction. Now the j, k, and l keys are stuck. Between my fingers.

I decided right then and there to come up with my own stress test. You may be suffering from workplace burnout if you are guilty of harboring any of the following scientifically developed ideas:

You set your swipe card to stun.

You refer to your boss’s wife as “the next of kin.”

You experience copier rage when someone leaves the machine jammed, and carve drawings of pirate flags complete with skull and crossbones into the paneling of the copy room door as a warning to others.

You drive a 1964 Rambler that won’t show noticeable marks should you accidentally sideswipe the Porsche belonging to the guy that always takes the last cup of coffee.

You mutter “Make my day,” and shoot a round from the staple gun at the telephone if it rings at quitting time. Or any other time.