The Captain strolled into the living room. I’m sure he has a targeting sensor that alerts him when I’m busy and don’t want to be disturbed. He wears it on his belt in a holster. Like his multipurpose tool, his phone, and his app-heavy iPod. Batman designed his utility belt after a chance meeting with my husband.
The Captain plunged his hands into his pockets and commented.
“What’s that?”
Figures. I’ve waited twenty years for him to start a conversation and he picks this moment for inspirational dialogue.
“It’s a list. I’m making your New Year’s resolutions.”
“Um, shouldn’t I be in charge of that?”
“You never put the right things.”
“I don’t put the right things on my own list?”
“No, you put things you can’t accomplish. Then you get discouraged. I’m making it easier for you.”
“So you’re helping me out by making my New Year’s resolutions?”
“Exactly.”
“You take that whole helpmate thing to heart, don’t you?”
“I’m glad you finally noticed.”
“So what are my resolutions?”
“Well, you know how you always want to get the windows washed? I’m putting that on your list.”
“My New Year’s Resolution is to wash windows?”
“Yep. And so it won’t be overwhelming, I’ve figured out an easy way. One window every day!”
“So, all I’m going to accomplish next year is washing windows?”
“
Every day.”
“Right. I get to wash windows every day.”
“You don’t sound excited.”
“I can’t think why.”
“Very funny. This is a fool-proof plan. So to speak.”
“No so far.”
“Don’t you see. By breaking down the chore into small bits, it’s manageable.”
“So instead of getting them all done in one day, it will take me all year to do it.”
“Right.”
“So there’s no need to put anything else on my To Do list.”
“This isn’t your To Do list. It’s your resolutions. Your To Do list is on an Excel spreadsheet in the computer.”
“Why can’t I make my own resolutions?”
“Because your only resolution is to end up stranded on The Island of Morally Bankrupt Actresses with Penelope Cruz who is wearing nothing but a grass skirt and a pair of coconuts, drinking rum like it was cherry Kool-Aid and singing “Shake Your Bad Thing” while shimmying like a loose shingle in a strong wind.”
“Would you put that on the list?”
“Sure. There’s a spot on November 31st right after you finish the attic windows.”
“November doesn’t have 31 days.”
“And we don’t have an attic.”
“Got it.”
“Nothing slow about you.”
“Could we go see the movie where she plays the pirate captain?”
“That’s not until May. Let’s see how you do with your resolutions.”
“I have a resolution.”
“Oh?”
“It involves Penelope Cruz doing windows.”
“I have a resolution, too.”
“What is it?”
“It involves driving you to the Emergency Room where they can pick safety glass out of the seat of your cargo pants with the Jaws of Life.”
“I’m not sure I like this list.”
“Don’t you see the beauty of it?”
“I think the beauty just went out the window.”
“Don’t worry. If the window is clean enough you can look through and see it waving from the other side.”
“Yeah, from over in the neighbor’s yard. Where the grass is greener.”
“Look at the bright side. At least you’re not Bill Gates.”
“Okay, I agree with that. But why?”
“Because halfway through the window, it would close by itself and there would be parts that were irrecoverable. The resulting crash would trash the supports, frighten the dogs, and result in you spending the rest of the day cleaning up the mess.
“So either way I’m doing windows.”
“Yes, but with my way you get to see the pirate movie.”
“Okay, but if Penelope blue-screens on me, I’m going in as technical support.”
I fired up the shredder and let it suck up the resolutions like a Lincoln Navigator drinking fossil fuel. He scratched his head.
“What about my resolutions?”
“That window of opportunity just slammed shut.”
See, it's like this. I got nothing against anybody making a profit by selling anything at whatever price the market will bear. And by the Ghost of Blackbeard, when I'm rolling in the doubloons I think nothing of whomping down a sizeable chunk of my hard-earned jack to impress my First Wench by my largesse in the matter of a king-sized box of Junior Mints.