After checking out the relationship with her psychic (“who
may or may not kill things in order to make my dreams come true”), I can’t help
thinking there are probably times in all of our lives when we would take a
chance with somebody who could steer us to Prince Charming. . .or away from
that investment in kitten ear muffs. Or
who could silence that coworker who orders personal products on her cell phone.
In the cubicle next to you. During your lunchtime tuna salad break.
So here are a few times I could use a psychic to move things
along. Don’t lie; you can think of a few times, too. Remember when you were extra-pregnant and
your brother-in-law said you looked like an overloaded washtub. . .
1.
I really need to pass the test to secure my
major in Business Ethics and I’ve just discovered that downing tequila shots
the night before is not a viable study aid.
2.
When I really need a raise to buy the dress that
will make me look like Kate Upton on her best day and it would help speed
things along if I knew the true relationship between my boss and the Vending
Machine Supervisor.
3.
When my lifelong adversary is receiving the
achievement award I’ve already written my acceptance speech for and I want to
wear the same dress in a size smaller to the recognition dinner.
4.
When my ex-husband, The Defendant, is escorting
the 24 year old beautician with the Taylor Swift hair to dinner at “our”
restaurant and I want to know where he parked because I still have the spare
key to his car.
5.
When the lottery is topping out at 500 million
and I’m trying to decide whether to go for groceries or spring for the extra
buck to Power Up the ticket I just snagged at the Zippy Mart.
6.
My niece/nephew/other impressionable child just
heard my opinion of the driver who careened into my lane and put on brakes and
I need to make sure he doesn’t share my views during tea with the Ladies’ Bible
class.
7.
I’m on Let’s Make a Deal and don’t want to miss
out on the Big Deal of the Day because I am in desperate need of a trip to
Tahiti and a bass boat.
8.
I’m at my class reunion and can’t figure out who
the skinny chick is who keeps harping on “that great time we had at Nag’s Head.”
9.
I can’t tell which clothes are in the “semi-soiled
but still fits” pile and which is the “clean, but Twiggy couldn’t get in to it”
stack and I don’t want to risk a deal-breaker by putting on a dress that could
double as a personal massager.
10. I
want a chicken for supper and need somebody with experience in making that
happen.
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