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Thursday, August 1, 2013

A Coupon By Any Other Name

I don’t mind so much that my mother never got my name right the first time.  I was the youngest, so she’d go down the list.  Even if she never got mine right, I knew I’d better answer sooner or later.

She knew where I lived.

The Captain never uses my name.  He calls me whatever comes to mind and I answer with equal enthusiasm to Hey You (he wants me to answer the phone) or Baby Doll (he wants me to hold a nail he plans to hammer with a monkey wrench).  We’ve been married long enough to know it’s the thought that counts.

Countries have gone to war over less.

I’m a bit miffed, though, to discover that my drugstore doesn’t remember me.                            

Today I got an email from them and they called me by another woman’s name.


I don’t even look like a Bridget.  Bridgets are thin and perky.

Wrong on both counts.

So I’m voicing a plea to CVS to remember the last minute allergy medication and moisturizer runs we've had together.

How could you forget our all-nighter after the TexMex buffet and the oldies movie marathon and how you shared the Pepto-Bismol from aisle 5?

That was an Affair to Remember.

And that time I got the red lipstick, but forgot and left it in the car all afternoon?  In the South. In August.

I looked like the Joker at a Mary Kay party.
And after my first divorce when you had Snickers on sale.

Chocolate heals all wounds.
You know more about my personal life than the perm girl at the Beauty Basket.  Than the mail sorter in charge of private boxes at the Post Office.  Than my kids who would sell my vital statistics to the guy on the corner for a pack of gum.  And who once shared my weight with the cashier at the Piggly Wiggly for free.

We’re an item. I have your Smart Card on my key ring.  You know my phone number, which is more than I can say for myself.

Now you’ve called me by another shopper’s name.

And offered Bridget $3 in coupons.

So we’re through.  I’ll do my 11pm Kleenex and candy bar run somewhere else.  

Unless I can use these coupons myself.  Because, really, what’s in a name.

Just call me Bridget.

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